this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
