Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
