You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
