Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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