I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
