my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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