Betty ford says i'm here all night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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