Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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