I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
