I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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