that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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