Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
