i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
