I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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