defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They took my balls.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
