Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
not ubering you a puppy
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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