She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
