Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i think im in europe. pls send help
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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