The best revenge is premature balding
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
