I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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