I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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