Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
