I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
