bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I will pee on everything he values.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
