Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
