my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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