What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
