What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
