Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
