good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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