It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
