i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
