It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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