I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
