ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
