Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
