i just had sex bonerless
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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