I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
