Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
