Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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