Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
