Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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