On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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