in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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