I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So vagazzling was a success
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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