last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
