This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
