I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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