His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
