we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
