I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
