Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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