What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I love having hate sex.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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